Dating Advice from a Chef: Get Messy

The Delightful Executive Chef and Owner of Brooklyn’s Hottest Wing Joint Shares Her Test for First Date Attractions

Sara_nguyen I’m a 36-year-old chef. I was always busy and often single. Dating was more work than owning my own restaurant. Among other things, age was becoming more of a factor than dating in my twenties. My values began to change. I wanted a connection that was more than physical and I admit, I was becoming less patient with it. I simply didn’t have the time to beat around the bush or play hard to get. If you weren’t getting me, chances are, you never would. I noticed I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. Most people in my dating pool also had little time beyond the first date for anything that was less than what they wanted. So long gone are the days of wanting to be liked by everyone you meet or the need to couple with someone for any other reason that wasn’t authentic. Dating in my thirties just got more real than in my twenties and I became less afraid of telling potential prospects what I wanted and didn’t want. In turn, I managed to discontinue the habit of taking rejection personally and I put into practice the fine art of letting people who were interested know when I didn’t feel the same. In fact, the small lessons I learned while dating throughout my thirties allowed me to be more comfortable in my own skin; a better version of myself, if you will.

we all need to eat, beyond a physiological aspect. From a sociological perspective, eating on a first date should be a priority. One can gather quite a bit of insight from ››› a person by what and how they eat. I understand that in this modern time of swiping towards matrimony or long term partnership has taken the traditional eating on the first date out of the equation. I hold this one very strict rule- it’s not a date unless food is involved. Drinks does not make a date, alcoholic or non. These days, you can have a first date after you’ve already had sex. Anything before that first meal together, however, is just that; a hook-up or perhaps, a meet-up. Eating on a first date is imperative for getting to know someone. I will go so far as to say that one can gain more insight from sharing a meal together than a bed.

for example, picky eaters are a deal breaker for me. My definition of a picky eater is someone without special dietary restrictions or beliefs, yet continues to resolve to a very limited group of foods they will eat. They refuse to try anything that’s outside of their restrictive food realm. I can’t see an intimate partnership with someone who eats in this fashion. I can foresee them unable to dine at my restaurant openings and shutting down at-home recipe tastings by not allowing me to share with them my creations. Sooner or later, this will not work for me because all food is such an integral part of life. Because I, personally would, find it difficult to be with someone who adheres to a strict diet doesn’t mean I don’t believe vegetarians and meat eaters can’t co-exist. It’s when the other person starts to judge you for your eating choices or pushes their beliefs onto you that should alarm you. (If you find yourself in a committed relationship and the other person just wants you to eat healthier or broaden your cultural horizons; that’s a wonderful thing.) This is a first date we’re talking about. This person doesn’t know who you are and is only just beginning to get to know you. If they’re already disappointed with you at this juncture, imagine what they’d be like in the long run. Ask yourself one thing: can you imagine eating your most favorite thing in the world while your significant other is looking at you with disgust or disdain? Didn’t think so. It’s no way to live. One shouldn’t forfeit such personal and simple pleasures for another’s approval. If you’re truly compatible, you won’t have to hide who you are and the things that make you happy nor should you attempt to change the other person to fit your version of what’s ideal. Compatibility is organic, it can’t be manufactured and it shouldn’t be forced.

A girlfriend once said to me, “I’m done with selling myself to someone. I’m just going to let them know all about my

However counter intuitive it may be, getting to know someone is better done when messy food is involved.

idiosyncrasies and crazy from the beginning. If they still want more, then this could be the start of something beautiful.” I can get behind this philosophy. However counter intuitive it may be, getting to know someone is better done when messy food is involved. This form of breaking first-date barriers might be easier than telling them about all your baggage up front. Leaving some things left to be discovered keeps life, in general, more interesting. Without having to divulge too much information about yourselves, sharing less than delicate foods with someone you just met is a simple base in the process of weeding out who you may or may not have chemistry with. Any simplification that can be done to the dating process, in my mind, is a welcome one.

forget the aphrodisiacs and follow your gut. Go out for some messy St. Louis ribs, corn on the cob or Chinese style crab in its shell. Have gigantic slices of watermelon with seeds for dessert, don a bib, get your hands dirty and eat with gusto. You’ll find it easier to gather with whom you’re eating and if they and you will want to take it beyond that first date. Take note of the reactions that you’re receiving from the person on the opposite end of the table from you and assess your own reactions towards them: Do you find it endearing that the other person has sauce smeared on their cheek?

Are they comfortable to tell you without fear of embarrassing you that you have sauce on yours? Are you both entertained by each other’s eating mishaps? When you’ve both surpassed the initial, you-have-something-in-your-teeth-debacle, you might find that your need to impress someone new begin to fade along with those excruciating first-date nerves. You’ll naturally be more yourself and the other person will become more human to you, rather than some unfound expectation. You might even see that after the eating-politely- rules-of-etiquette are gone, so too will be the need for perfection. Because, no one is perfect. We‘re human and we get sauce on our faces and food stuck in our teeth. Imperfection is what makes life impossibly perfect. Allowing each other to be flawed is a step towards any genuine connection. I quote a lyric from one of the most romantic songs I’ve ever heard, When You’re Smiling and Astride Me, by Father John Misty, “That’s how you live free. To truly see and be seen.” This is what we all essentially want, no? Why else are we here for, if not to connect, to engage and to learn from each other? Life is too short to live as an island. With that, allow me to end this with a recipe for some deliciously messy wings to share with your next potential soulmate.